Late Fall, Early Spring

When I was little, I remember my parents watching a movie about Teenagers doing teenage things in some small town in America. I only remember two snippits from the film:

-Female A is walking through a forest, the ground is littered with the orange of dying leaves. She finds a pool, empty for it’s winter slumber. She climbs down inside of it, and the camera spins around her as she stares into the gray murky sky. Then Male B is shown standing on the edge of the pool. He jumps down, and they kiss in the center of an empty pool.

- Some scene where A & B strip the clothes off a GI-Joe and have sex.

This early glisp of Teenage hood has frightened me to this day. I’m fearful of my life turning into a lifetime movie. Mild potential bogged down because girlfriend got pregnant. Mild potential ruined because girlfriend breaks up with me. Mild potential destroyed because I’m a teenager and thus by the laws of media I must live an awkward and depressing life.

I swear to god every bloody “coming of age movie” makes me sick. There is always:

-A Love interest

-A Tragedy

-The Love interest is taken away

-It must have the message “Growing up sucks, remember when your life was this shit?”

-It has to take place right after the leaves fall off the trees, and right before they grow back. Making a happy Christmas moment longer then 2 minutes of the movie will result in you getting shot and your body hung in the middle of Hollywood as evidence to others to how your kind is treated.

The last part is possibly the worst. First: It makes the most depressing part of the year (between the snowfalls and after the point when the snow turns into salty slush) even WORSE to experience. They don’t even try to cheer it up. There is never any snow, it’s always dead grass and leaves. And apparently every teenager in the world lives far away from any evergreens or anything that would add something THAT ISN’T DEPRESSING. All the trees are bare, like it’s Halloween and the sun never comes out. It’s always hidden behind clouds. Where do they live, Seattle? Movies like this is why I always think about horrible things happening to me on cold days when the sun isn’t out.

Second: The tragedy always after a wonderful experience in the summer. Yes, kids have time to do things in the summer: Like have sex or spend time with their dad (which aren’t necessarily unrelated to each other in some movies.) But come on! They always make it out to be that “Summer is the only fun time!!!” Like nobody has ever enjoyed themselves in spring or winter. Or Fall.

Third: The Male is always at fault when the female is hurt. He could break up with her because she was going to chop of his dick and replace it with a venomness snake, and he would STILL be portrayed as an asshole. I understand that Men tend to be more aggressive towards women and men have often abandoned women with unborn children leaving them to bring up their offspring alone, and overall there are a lot of immature guys/ 12 year olds out there. But not ALL men do that. And not all teenagers have sex. And some teenagers have protected sex. And some teenagers have fun in all FOUR of the seasons. And some teenagers see GREEN in winter. And some see ACTUAL SNOW AND NOT JUST DEAD LEAVES, DEAD GRASS, AND CREEPY HALLOWEEN TREES EVERYWHERE. I also hear there are places where the sun comes out too.

Even though this is an unreasearched generalization, and I admit some films do do things differently, my point still remains. I hate movies about teenagers coming of age. I hate depressing movies that are set in the coldest most depressing months of the year. And I hate depressing coming of age movies that are set in the coldest most depressing months of the year that only have DEAD GRASS AND DEAD LEAVES ON THE FUCKING GROUND.